“Cause the greatest risk we’ll ever take is by far to stand in the light and be seen as we are”. That’s a lyric from a song I heard on last season’s So You Think You Can Dance and the performance blew me away. I found myself humming that one line and singing that one line over and over to myself for weeks and months following the episode that the dance aired. I think those words summed up a sentiment I had felt for a while and was just TRULY coming to terms with. On this last day of September, I have to say I’m pretty happy with the me that I am which is not always easy.
I did this thing where I worked really hard at a goal. I planned for months for this goal. I put myself on the line and made sacrifices and put in my due diligence for this goal. The goal was heading to Italy (my first time in Europe) to perform the biggest role of my short performing career with the COSI opera festival as Suor Angelica. The trip was June-July 2017 and I had been planing and fundraising since October of 2016. I wanted it BAD. I wanted to have this amazing experience and also prove to myself and others I as Zoe was worthy of the honor to lead a company. Two days before opening night I had surgery on my snapped fibula after taking those “break a leg” wishes a little too literally. Its taken me 3 months to process everything and get back to the blog. A couple months removed I’ve realized a few things.
- when you ask God for a sign BE READY FOR IT: I asked God a while back for a sign that me staying close to home post undergrad was the right thing to do. I had been asked by many why I chose not to move to New York or Cincinnati or LA or Boston or other places where major conservatories are. I knew the second I had my first lesson with my now teacher who works at Mason a stones throw away from my house, that it wouldn’t get much better than her but I still felt a bit of doubt as to how others would see my decision. God said K WELL NOW YOU HAVE A BROKEN LEG AND HAVE TO STAY HOME BUT THATS OKAY BECAUSE YOU WERE ALREADY PLANNING ON GOING HOME LOVE YA TALK TO YOU SOON.
- its okay not to be okay(another song lyric): I’m.not.perfect. (say it again) I AM NOT PERFECT!!! This was something I had to remind myself to genuinely feel when I was in school. I’m what they call a calm perfectionist. Not anal, just calmly crazy and control freakish. I realized the thing I had been trying to control and micro manage and keep at a socially perceived as near perfect thing (not superficially…God knows Make up and looking like a Barbie are not my thing…I’m talking adulting perfect) was ME. I slipped, broke my leg,saw my big opera moment float away, sat in a hospital bed alone crying and was forced to deal with the me that I was working with then, a VERY imperfect person. By the time I got home from Italy I realized the imperfections make me me.
- God has a way of slowing you down: I have found a form of peace I had yet to tap into prior to my injury. I learned how to just BE. I am an extreme introvert (fellow INFJ disguised as an extroverted people person’s please stand uuup) so I have always liked my alone time but really being faced with me myself and I was very eye opening, not always pleasant and so fulfilling. I move physically slower and mentally slower and more methodically now instead of filling space for the sake of Keeping up with the made up Joneses.
I’m heading into the 10th month of 2017. I will be celebrating my 23rd birthday in less than 3 weeks. I’m quickly on the mend with my leg. I have (finally) forgiven myself for many things but the most recent being that I am not perfect and I slipped and I had an accident and I fell and was injured and that’s okay. I’m mentally ready to tackle my health and fitness again and am excited to get back into Yoga, ballet class and tap class when the new year starts and I’m cleared to get back into activities that make me physically stronger and enrich me emotionally. I am on track to pay off all my student loans and be completely debt free by Christmas 2019 (budgeting and discipline!!!). Finally ready to
SHED THE GUILT
SHED THE WEIGHT
SHED THE DEBT
SHED THE FACADE
SHED THE LIGHT ON MY TRUE SELF and to be seen as I am